hello netizens :] ough that might be a little dramatic for a journal entry that's probably going to devolve into me bitching about group projects... i don't want my journal to give off the impression that i'm a bitter sort of person... but group projects just bring out the absolute worst in me. i have this semester long group project that's already kicking my ass, there's five of us and i'm having to micromanage everyone like they're six. i've kind of ended up group leader by accident and needless to say i'm not enjoying it; but i'd definitely be even more miserable if i wasn't project lead. if i don't maintain a certain average i'll lose my scholarship, and it's money i desperately need, not to mention my program is an honours degree so i'm totally toast if my grades slip.
just took a ten minute break from writing this to edit one of my teammates work and have chilled out. i find it very difficult to stay mad at people tbh, even if this is frustrating and stressful. maybe i can come up with something else to talk about... um i have class tomorrow. thats not very exciting hrm. i have an assignment thats almost due that i need to do a ton of work on... but i can only work on it in the computer lab which is a total bummer. i've been playing a lot of persona 5 lately which has been nice. i got into it like five years ago before it was on switch and i am dearly lacking in a ps4 so i could only watch it on youtube... regardless i fell in love and i'm so happy to finally be able to play it. it's like getting to see the game through a whole new lens, especially since i've changed a lot in the past few years. i love ann sososo much now, and i'm incredibly excited to get to meet makoto in game. this game is so everything tbh.
i don't know what else to say... i should probably be sleeping soon anyways. especially since i have to get up early tomorrow for class. oh actually, today is the day tiktok was banned in the US for a couple of hours. it's quite baffling to me to be quite honest, i'm not american and i don't use tiktok so i really can't begin to grasp the full context. i'm disgusted by the government overreach obviously, and even though i have my gripes with tiktok that i could go on forever about, this is absolutely not how i want it to go out. your government should not be allowed to stiffle your speech like this and it is deeply concerning to me that they have. it concerns me even more that this is so obviously a publicity stunt for trump.
that's all i'm going to say on that, as i said, i lack full context, and i don't like speaking on politics when i'm not fully informed. regardless, it disgusts me and i wish all americans the best of luck as trump takes office (honestly i wish everyone the best of luck, trump is already threatening to fuck up my countries economy, which is Great /s)
i suppose i should record the events of today, that is kind of the whole point of this place, to retain what my terrible memory does not. you know when you wake up and the blankets are like the coziest thing you've ever experienced and you feel like you'll die of 10000 cold chip damage if you leave? that was me this morning, it was miserable, i love winter, but i can't wait for it to be over, i'm usually a 7:00AM type of guy, regardless of what time i "need" to get up. i like showering early in the morning since it wakes me up, i like being one of the only people in the dining hall for breakfast, and i like getting an early start to my day, but it's so difficult to get up when it's dark out... it's hard to say which is my favorite season, i love winter because of how beautiful it is, and i run unbearably hot most of the time so it's nice to just go outside in the snow and have a comfortable body temperature for once. i also feel like the cold is deeply clensing, i feel Clean when i go outside and breathe in a big lungful of freezing air, and i miss being able to do that when it's warm. but my depression gets so unbelievably bad during the winter that it kind of almost outweighs all of that. i feel like i can't do anything, and i waste all my days doing nothing. i feel like i should be hibernating or something lol
um i was talking about my day... i basically just did class work all day, it was kind of boring. but i also messaged back and forth with a dear friend of mine all day which was nice. it's so sad that i don't get to see my friends in person much. even my IRL friends mostly live in other cities. i have a few college friends, but a lot of them seem to have made it their lifes work to misgender me or talk constantly about how transgender i am so it can be tiring to be around them, no matter how much i like hanging out with them. i guess i should be more patient since they're a bunch of cishet dudes and probably haven't met a lot of guys like me, but it's still disheartening. i put a lot of effort into being more masculine, and my stupid voice seems to ruin it all. it's honestly really caused me to lose confidence in myself this past year, which totally sucks. i don't know if this is too personal to post about... i'm generally a private person in my regular life though and i don't typically feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing, even to my closest friends, so maybe it would be good for me to talk about this stuff, even if it is into the void.
that's about all i did today, and it's past my bedtime as i'm writing this. i try to go to bed at 11:00PM every night because i'm an old man in the body of a young person. but i've kind of been falling off lately. you stay up late one night and then it just keeps getting worse and worse as the nights go on. does this happen to other people as well? i went to sleep at 2:00AM the other day when i had to wake up at 8:00AM, i'm used to getting my full eight hours, so that sucked lol. i used to stay up till 3:00AM and wake up at 8:00AM pretty much every day in high school, and sometimes i'd stay up till 3:00AM and wake up at 4:00AM. i don't know how i did it. i know why i did it, which was because i was like fifteen and had a crush on someone in a totally different timezone lol. i kind of miss when i was like that. i don't think i'm really capable of romantic attraction anymore, but i remember the wealth of emotion it created still. i'm probably better off like this in the long run though, and without a partner or a crush i have more time to play video games which is nice. i should sign off now i guess. sleep well yall :]
PS i guess i'm not sleeping, i live in a university dorm, and for some reason they've decided to test the alarm announcement system at 11:22PM. i love this place.
