So Jesus Christ it's hot out. Ough the past two days have been Intense. I work outside all day and so that's been. Neat. The heats supposed to break, at least where I live, tonight so I'm really looking forward to that. The worst thing is just feeling gross to be honest. I hate being sweaty so bad, especially all day I felt so grimey when I got home today yuck. Ugh I don't know what else to say tbh... I'm so tired :p I've been re-reading Library Wars: Love & War which has been just as good as I remembered it to be. It's also like. Scarily relevant? I know it was still very relevant for a lot of people in a lot of places when I first read it back in like 2014 when it was releasing, but I was a kid and I only knew what was immediately around me and I remember thinking it was so absurd, like you can't just... get rid of books, and to re-read it now in the current political climate sure is... something.... It's still incredible though I love it dearly. I also want to re-read my other favorite childhood manga Vampire Knight since I hardly remember anything that happened in that one. I've also been wanting to watch Revolutionary Girl Utena. I've tried to watch it a couple times before but something always gets in the way T_T hopefully this time though D: I also wanted to re-read Death Note. Lots of manga to read and re-read and maybe some anime to watch. I'm honestly quite bad at watching stuff.... I'll pretty much always read the manga isntead if there is one... I just can't sit still and focus on shows or movies the way I can with books and comics :[

I went to my first ever pride festival recently so that was really cool. We didn't really stay too long for the performances or anything since it was really hot out and we were quite tired, but it was just really nice to be there among so many different 2SLGBTQIA+ people :] There were a lot of tables set up from various organizations and it was really cool to go around and learn about what is in my city. There was an HIV prevention and support table that I think was my favorite, they were super friendly and informative and had a ton of helpful resources. They were even giving away Naloxone kits so I'm really glad to have one of those now.

Anyways, I'm not doing anything today which is cool. Might watch a movie or play video games. As always I don't want to go to work tomorrow LOL

Work has been kicking my ass, everything is so sore all the time forever lord help me. It's good though! I love it I really do, compared to my other jobs at least :] I've been reading a lot of comics this month, I'm at 163 as of writing this. I love reading comics and I love spreadsheets about comics almost as much. One of the highlights of every month is at the end when I get to collect all of the data from my monthly spreadsheet and add it to the year spreadsheet. I'm really excited for end-of-June because that'll mark six months on the spreadsheet and I'll maybe have enough info to make some graphs. I can't wait :] I have lots of comic related spreadsheets. Mostly "every appearance of [character]". Those have been way quicker to make since I got LOCG pro. Actually. Lets talk about LOCG pro. I love LOCG I love LOCG pro it is awesome sauce. I love love getting to sort my top 20 characters by all versions of that character rather than individual, as well as switching it so it just counts main and supporting roles. Bruce is still my #1 by a long shot because he's everywhere but I find the stats much better reflect my actual reading and interests (Duke is on my top 20 now for example - although unfortunately as I read more comics he will suredly drop down, he just doesn't have enough comics. Like i'm only at about 1000 comics read right now, so he stands a chance, but he only has 112 comics total where he's a main or supporting character, compared to my #2 character (Tim) who has been in 1411 issues where he's a main or supporting character. Hell, Tim has been a main character in more comics than Duke has ever appeared in, cameos and all so eventually he's just kind of going to drop off the leaderboard no matter what.

Okay actually I'm distracted now, but while we're on the topic, Tim hasn't been relevant in a while and it's kind of bumming me out. Like I know it's kind of just his turn, considering he had his own solo for over a decade which is kind of wild to think about now, but like... I miss him :[ Like don't get me wrong, he's around he shows up in issues of Batman as like one of the Squad kicking peoples asses, but that hardly counts. On the bright side though, who ever thought we would live in a time where DUKE THOMAS was more relevant than Tim Drake. That's incredible, I love him so much T_T

Anyways, I got distracted. I love LOCG Pro. It has so many awesome features. Like you have so many sorting tools when you're browsing comics, it makes it so fast and easy to make my spreadsheets which I really really love. And the reading log is awesome??? I love the reading log, I'm so excited for when I have a more full graph with my reading patterns... Also the "rated higher than average" section in the reading stats is SO FUNNY because it's literally just Devin Grayson's Nightwing. I'm not kidding that is almost my entire "rated higher than average" section. I think her run might have been review bombed because the stats don't really reflect what perspective on her work seems to be outside of extremely online twt and tumblr spaces. Or maybe the LOCG user base just has a very heavy tumblr/twt batfandom overlap. Who knows. Anyways it gives me a good laugh every time I see it. Going to leave it at this so I can go read comics. Hope everyone has a good day :]

Hi! Back finally. Work has been. Yeah. So I haven't been doing much. I am trying to get back into the swing of things though. My job is cool. I get to be outside all day and see all sorts of neighbourhoods. Friday though I was in this new suburb development and it kind of freaked me out. You couldn't see anything but houses and houses and houses, there were no parks or main roads or stores or anything as far as the eye could see, and every new corner I turned just lead me to more houses, it felt like I would never get out. At one point I passed a house with a welcome sign I had already seen a block over and I was convinced for a moment I was lost and going in circles. All of the houses looked the same, just different enough that you couldn't for the most part point to two houses and say they were copy-pasted without a few moments of thought, but still similar enough that I could not tell you what a single distinct house looked like. At one point I came across two houses that were the exact same right next to each other but mirrored. The sky was cloudy and threatening rain, but not in a way that brought on a sense of calm. The longer I stayed there the more nervous I became. It was around 14:00 and so there was no one around. I stayed there for about an hour doing my job and I saw one other person, a jogger, likely a college student. At first I thought he was running from something. I'm quite sure he ran down a dead end trail, I don't know where he ended up. All of the houses looked the same out front, and it was only the brief glances I managed of their backyards that betrayed any true sense that someone lived there. Each house had showroom-clean cars in the driveway, they looked like they had never been driven, I don't know how they managed that considering most of them had an active construction zone at the end of their streets. Each house had a security camera watching the driveway and sidewalk, so even though I was noticeably alone, I felt a foreboding sense of being watched my entire stay.

Otherwise my job has been quite enjoyable, I get to be alone for the most part, and it isn't stressful or particularly taxing like my previous full-time jobs have been. I actually get a lunch break this time too. The only thing is that I am approached by strangers frequently. It makes me a little nervous when people approach me when there's no one else around, but for the most part I'm just really awkward. Everyone has been friendly thus far, but I've heard from my supervisor that this is not always the case. I am a city worker, and so people are oft compelled to vent all of their complaints with the local government on those in my position, despite our complete lack of involvement with any actual decisions. My job is about data collection and only data collection, I have no control whatsoever over what the municipality actually chooses to do with that data. Hopefully those sorts of people leave me alone for the most part, I'm awkward enough with the people who are simply curious.

I think that's about all I have to say today... I hope everyone has a good one :]

Exciting news is that winter is indeed over as the website title suggests and I am done with college! I start work in a few weeks and am so excited to Not Worry About Group Work for four months. The world is beautiful. I go home tomorrow and I'm so excited. I love my uni town but it's really warm here and I overheat easily. Also lots of noise and the laundry machines suck. I'm going to get to visit a used DVD store which I'm hyped for. I'm looking for Scream 1 mainly, but might pick up other stuff. Free Comic Book Day is coming up too, which I'm super excited for. Lot's of cool stuff happening soon. Looking forward to the weeks to come :]

Hello y'all!! :] my second year of college is coming to an end with a whimper rather than a bang which I am eternally grateful for. I'm done in a bit over a week and I just have a couple assignments left kicking around for me to get finished. At this time last year I was so anxious I didn't eat for days, so this is a nice change. I'm just realizing that I can't quite reconcile how I felt last term IRL with what was going on for me online. Weird stuff. It feels like those things happened at completely different times, but if I check the time stamps they line up. It's been over a year since I started this site (feb 2024) and it totally passed me by without me noticing! It's been nearly three years since I started webdev at all (I started sometime in mid 2022). Time passes you by so quickly LOL. I start work in about a month which will be nice, I have a bit of money still hanging around but I'll need more for food once I move out again for school, so I'm glad I'll have enough money for that. Maybe I'll be able to pick up some work during the school term next year though. That'd be solid.

Anyways, that isn't what I was wanting to talk about. Our dear friend Matty the transphobe laid off like. Most of Tumblr's workforce recently. Supposedly there's like... 25 employees left T_T (although I can't confirm that number specifically). Tumblr has seen "the end days" so many times since I joined the platform uh... seven...? years ago? so I'm not exactly convinced, but it's kind of been going downhill pretty quickly for ages. They added back their TikTok knock off, despite us all cheering when it died the last time? I think the only good thing Tumblr has added in all my years on the site is polls, I'm being so for real. Oh and replies to comments (and maybe comments as a whole? I can't remember). But yeah, it's been bleak. They recently updated the UI and it's damn ugly, massive circles everywhere for some god forsaken reason. I won't pretend to be a paragon of web design, I mean look around LOL but yeah. It's not great. There's been a lot of talk of where people are going to go if Tumblr just... shuts down one day and archiving our blogs. It's kind of scary to think of all that just... disappearing... But yeah, moving. A lot of people are saying Bluesky and I do have a Bluesky account but I'm not really a fan. I don't like the character limit and it feels kind of... empty...? Maybe I'm not looking in the right corners but it feels like there's no one there who likes the same characters or ships as me. I find all of those short post Twitter knock off sites very confusing. I've tried to use Twitter a couple times in the past (not for posting) because I wanted to see what people were saying about a topic they weren't talking about on Tumblr, but both times I couldn't find anything, even though I knew there had to be people talking about it on there somewhere. I just don't get it, and I don't think the reward for figuring it out is worth the struggle. Maybe I'm too old to be learning new social media platforms. This was much easier when I was twelve. Okay but Twitter and all its liberal knock-offs are out. Next obvious option and the one I'm leaning towards is Dreamwidth. Which I... also don't get. But I feel more inclined to put in the work figuring it out. It seems kind of like Tumblr but without the annoying shit and all the things I like cranked up to eleven? I have an account but I don't use it because as I mentioned, I don't "get it". I tried to figure it out last year but I couldn't... I'll probably try again once I'm done with college. Other options I've considered include: SpaceHey, which I have used before but found the userbase to skew a little young for my comfort. And option 2 is just... starting an actual blog on a site like Blogspot or Blogger or whatever. Most important thing to me is that I just don't lose the community that we've built up over there, so I'll probably just follow my mutuals wherever they go lol. I'll also of course be staying here, and I'll probably be backing up a lot of my Tumblr posts on here. I'll have to get on that since I'll be doing it all by hand... I don't want to download a backup of my blog because it frankly takes way too long and it'd shock me if I even have enough storage for it lol.

I kind of feel like I'm over-reacting I guess, but I just think about how it must have felt for people on LJ, all the hell they went through, and to just have it all kind of... disappear I guess. That freaks me out. Maybe I'm too online, but being online is kind of a massive part of my life. Pretty much my only memories from the Covid-19 lockdown are of my time online. It sounds kind of pathetic but my real life really was my online life back then, and while I definitely have more of a balance now and my relationship with the web is a lot healthier now, it's still incredibly important to me, and it'd really suck to just... lose everything :[ it might be cringe but my Tumblr blog is really important to me! I have so little of my online history saved because I had a nasty habit of nuking everything back then (severe mental illness and mood swings tend to do that to a guy but alas), so I really want to hang on to what I do have with everything I've got.

hi fun kel fact i'm aromantic. so anyways i went to an event for my college that was marketed as an interactive presentation about aromanticism and asexuality, and i was really excited to go and talk about aromanticism, but the entire presentation was about asexuality. aromanticism got a brief description at the very beginning of an hour and a half long discussion (and it isn't like any of us there didn't know what aromanticism was), everything else was explicitly only about asexuality. which like wouldn't have bothered me usually, while i don't consider it a particularly important part of my identity, i am aspec, and i find asexuality and our culture's fixation on sex and any other numnber of related topics to be incredibly interesting. but well... i was so excited to talk about aromanticism, to connect with other people like me, to hear other peoples thoughts, discuss amatonormativity, to talk about platonic and queer forms of love, to talk about finding fulfillment in the self and we just... didn't... and it sucked. i probably still would have gone if it was marketed as an asexuality event, and i wouldn't have gone away feeling like an afterthought. augh. i don't really have anything positive to say about this, but yeah. if you're hosting an event about asexuals don't market it as being for both aro and ace people when it isn't, you aren't being inclusive you're actually doing the opposite.

i need to save this blog entry lol what's something cool that has happened to me recently... uh i am going to a cat cafe saturday! very exciting stuff i will update yall about the cats i get to see... little critters of all time :]

yall would not believe but!!! i GOT A JOB!!!! (๑*ᗜ*) and its the one i really wanted too! i was sosososo convinced that my interview was a flop because it was pretty short but apparently not! and they were only hiring a handful of people out of like the ten that applied! and i somehow got in i'm so happy lolol ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡ other than school, job hunting was my absolute largest stressor since i was getting dangerously close to when all the summer jobs start with no job in sight... i feel like ten thousand tonnes have been lifted on my back ahaaa.

i ALSO found three comics i'd been looking for for everrrr i am so close to completing my search for a hero collection, just one more!! school is so close to over too... just like one more month and i'm free for the summerrrr (yes i'll be working but the level of stress is way down because there's a clear distinction from on vs off work, compared to school where i always feel like i should be "on" (╥﹏╥)) i should probably be doing homework rn but i'm just so happy i can't help but want to spend all day chilling out and having fun lol. i have to do laundry and i have a doctors appointment (nothing bad lol) but other than that i think maybe i will re-watch some assassination classroom, read some manga, possibly play persona 5 (OR i picked up final fantasy X a couple months back and haven't had time/energy to give it a go... so MAYBE i will finally pop that in), and hopefully write a little bit?

i feel on top of the world lolol i think this calls for some gatorade. i am going to sign off now and make the most of todayy i hope you all have a fantastic day as well ♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡

Job hunting sucks so bad... I need to get a job for the summer so bad or I'll have like. no money for food when i go back for school next semester. i'm waiting to hear back from all the places i applied to and it's so stressful. why is finding a job so HARD!!!! it was always so easy when i was in high school and it didn't matter, but now that i'm relying on getting getting a job to support myself its sooooo difficult. lovely.

lol i got so stressed writing this that i left and applied to a couple jobs, and now i'm back about an hour later to finish writing this. incredible. i don't want to think about this anymore omg... what else can i talk about... i feel like the only things going on in my life are STRESSFUL!!!! i have a very exciting weekend coming up, but i have to make it there first. i have so many assignments due rn its a nightmare... going to hope and pray my one prof gives me an extension omg T_T augh. i have super long classes two days out of the week and it makes it so hard to get anything done because i'm always in that damn classroom!!!

i watched the spiderverse movies recently, i really liked them yay. miguel is... not the miguel i know, which was, unfortunate, but otherwise loved the movies dearly so it's okay lol. uh thats all ive got for today ttyl.

augh. people are so Mean sometimes, just for no reason. it makes me so sad every time i see it. one of my friends rebloged someones post with a joke about jaytim and they rebloged back telling him to kill herself. like why on earth do people do that? they aren't going to, thankfuly. but how would they know if he was in a bad place mentally and that would be the thing to tip her over the edge. they doubled down too when people were like hey what the hell, and said multiple times they wanted my friend and their friends to kts. it's just such a horrible thing to say. i wish people were nicer to each other online. is a fictional ship really such a serious thing that someone disagreeing with you makes it okay to treat them with no decency whatsoever? i think people get this idea in their head that as long as they're "morally superior" they can do and say whatever they want. it doesn't matter if you're cruel to people, as long as you're doing it in a way that isn't "bad". idk.

i don't really want to talk about that anymore. it's been a couple hours, i just got dinner. i'm listening to like real people do on repeat. i feel like i'll die if i have to go to class tomorrow. i have five hours straight of class right over lunch, it's miserable. despite being in university i get to pick none of my classes and almost none of their times. ough i don't want to go back it's so miserable in those classes. monday is worse though, exact same time but one of the classes is horribly boring and makes me feel so drained to listen to and also the prof usually lectures the entire time. at least tomorrow i have a chance of being let out early :] this is also boring though what should i talk about...

um. year of the OTP is kicking my ass. i have three more days to finish writing it and i just started today. am not happy with any of the ideas i thought up based on the prompts. which is tragic because they're good prompts. i can't wait for june thats basically the only month i have a solid idea for. i'm going to write a fic where (DO NOT LOOK AT MY THE TIMELINE SHHHHHH) tim is going to college in bludhaven and dick is putting him up while he studies, and in return tim is "volunteering" at the police station as a cover for helping dick weed out corruption in the BPD. tim is starting to explore his sexuality because what else is college for, and within about two days of living with dick he becomes acutely aware that he has had the biggest crush anyone has ever had on dick since age thirteen. he does not react well to this. but! there is this cute guy at the police station, and he's gay, and maybe close to dick, and- (ten years older than him). tim is very obviously (to the reader) trying to use gannon as a proxy for dick. gannon meanwhile, wants absolutely nothing to do with this college kid who is clearly head over heels in love with his (work) partner hitting on him. he is Too Tired For This Shit, but he's also deeply sympathetic and can't find it in his heart to just leave tim to his pining, but he also doesn't want to make it into a Thing so he just kind of... starts being a little nicer than he normally would to tim while he's at the station and trying to encourage him to date his peers instead. this, predictably, backfires horribly. tim thinks he's making headway and dick thinks gannon is trying to get with tim, gannon wants nothing to do with any of this. ugh i'm tired i'll talk more later maybe goodnight.

i'm writing this in a rush before i leave for the bus in uh... 12 minutes... because i feel like i haven't updated this in ages. i've been so busy lately. something very sad happened recently so everything just feels like it's so much harder than normal. like this was basically my greatest fear - but a fear i knew was going to happen eventually, no matter how many nights i stayed up dreading this, it didn't prepare me for the reality. i don't even really know how i feel. weird. i guess. sad mostly. but also kind of nothing much at all. i went to a valentine's social with my friends the other night which was fun. most of us are single so it wasn't like a sad third wheel moment. we sang and it was embarassing but fun. i also tried this food i hadn't had before yesterday, it was really good but i burnt the roof of my mouth and can still feel it. i don't mind so much though, it's kind of like having a solid bruise to poke, but not as fun. i'm going to the comic book store before class today, because i was supposed to go on the weekend but wasn't able to, now i'm like super behind on picking up this comic that came out that i pre-ordered. i'm so excited to read it, it's been driving me crazy waiting. other than that not much has really been happening. group projects are killing me slowly as per usual but that's about it. i have a job interview soon... so hopefully that goes well T_T i hate job hunting, it's the worst. i think that's kind of all i've got right now i hope everyone is having a lovely day :]

hi i'm in college i talk about it sometimes (a lot. you might notice i have very little going on in my life), and it is killing meee. i'm so stressed like not eating not sleeping stressed it isn't great. The Group Project From Hell as it will henceforth be known was designed in a lab to kill me. honestly i'm just bad with group projects in general forever. ugh i just need it all to be over and seasonal depression is kicking my ass too which is uh. not awesome. i am having a hard time holding out until spring.

it isn't all bad though! i've been playing persona 5 royal and i started re-reading vampire knight today. i just want to stay in my room all the time and read comics i was not made for the outside world dude. the DC valentine's day comic came out today and i have yet to finish it. the plot for the damian issue came straight out of a fan-fiction i swerar, they literally have tim and damian go on a practice date. also further evidence of this is jason calling tim "replacement" instead of "pretender". brendan hay i know what your ao3 history looks like you can't hide. OH ALSO bernard calls tim timboo in it. i try so hard to tolerate bernard because he is half of the canon bisexual tim drake equation but he just. i can't stand him dude i really can't. timboo. be so for real. every time i remember that bernard got brought back to be tim's boring annoying boyfriend and ives still doesn't even exist i die a little inside. i'm not even really a timives guy i like them sure they're cute and fun but they're not top tier to me or anything, but i just want ives back so badly y'all i miss him T-T

goodeveningggg i am so tired but i said i'd try to keep up with this. so here we are :] why is this centered... wtf dude T-T okay fixed it false alarm. i've been playing sososo much persona 5 thats basically all i have to report my life isn't super interesting. i went to the lab and did coursework and then i did like nothing all day. i'm pretty sure i sat on the floor for an hour doing ??? something but idk. i'm re-reading death note and light is kind of adorable honestly. like yes he is a mass murderer and i oppose everything he stands for. but i'm reading the special full color edition for the first time and his eyes are so brown??? so yeah. do you guys love gatorade? i feel like this is as good as posting my full name if any of my IRLs see this but guys i fucking love gatorade i need you to understand. it's like the necter of the gods. the best way to have gatorade is to hardly drink anything allll day so you're super dehydrated and then wait until like 12:00AM and it's actually the most refreshing thing you'll ever experience in your life. my gatorade raving is currently being interupted by my neighbours singing loudly. because why wouldn't it be. it is well after dark where i am if anyone is wondering lol. i'm sosososo excited to move out i do not think anyone on my floor has ever considered that the people who live around them have lives that do not involve them. ough i'm bitching again sorry lets move on. i really do try not to be a hateful person i just get my patience tested a little when i'm frequently woken up by loud parties at 02:00AM. i feel like thats okay. but enough about that, i love sleeping in its soso wonderful. i get anxious if i sleep in past like 09:00AM but just like. till 08:00AM? laying awake for a little while under the blankets? actually one of the best things a human being can experience. i think that's really all i've got for today so gn y'all o7

hello netizens :] ough that might be a little dramatic for a journal entry that's probably going to devolve into me bitching about group projects... i don't want my journal to give off the impression that i'm a bitter sort of person... but group projects just bring out the absolute worst in me. i have this semester long group project that's already kicking my ass, there's five of us and i'm having to micromanage everyone like they're six. i've kind of ended up group leader by accident and needless to say i'm not enjoying it; but i'd definitely be even more miserable if i wasn't project lead. if i don't maintain a certain average i'll lose my scholarship, and it's money i desperately need, not to mention my program is an honours degree so i'm totally toast if my grades slip.

just took a ten minute break from writing this to edit one of my teammates work and have chilled out. i find it very difficult to stay mad at people tbh, even if this is frustrating and stressful. maybe i can come up with something else to talk about... um i have class tomorrow. thats not very exciting hrm. i have an assignment thats almost due that i need to do a ton of work on... but i can only work on it in the computer lab which is a total bummer. i've been playing a lot of persona 5 lately which has been nice. i got into it like five years ago before it was on switch and i am dearly lacking in a ps4 so i could only watch it on youtube... regardless i fell in love and i'm so happy to finally be able to play it. it's like getting to see the game through a whole new lens, especially since i've changed a lot in the past few years. i love ann sososo much now, and i'm incredibly excited to get to meet makoto in game. this game is so everything tbh.

i don't know what else to say... i should probably be sleeping soon anyways. especially since i have to get up early tomorrow for class. oh actually, today is the day tiktok was banned in the US for a couple of hours. it's quite baffling to me to be quite honest, i'm not american and i don't use tiktok so i really can't begin to grasp the full context. i'm disgusted by the government overreach obviously, and even though i have my gripes with tiktok that i could go on forever about, this is absolutely not how i want it to go out. your government should not be allowed to stiffle your speech like this and it is deeply concerning to me that they have. it concerns me even more that this is so obviously a publicity stunt for trump.

that's all i'm going to say on that, as i said, i lack full context, and i don't like speaking on politics when i'm not fully informed. regardless, it disgusts me and i wish all americans the best of luck as trump takes office (honestly i wish everyone the best of luck, trump is already threatening to fuck up my countries economy, which is Great /s)

i suppose i should record the events of today, that is kind of the whole point of this place, to retain what my terrible memory does not. you know when you wake up and the blankets are like the coziest thing you've ever experienced and you feel like you'll die of 10000 cold chip damage if you leave? that was me this morning, it was miserable, i love winter, but i can't wait for it to be over, i'm usually a 7:00AM type of guy, regardless of what time i "need" to get up. i like showering early in the morning since it wakes me up, i like being one of the only people in the dining hall for breakfast, and i like getting an early start to my day, but it's so difficult to get up when it's dark out... it's hard to say which is my favorite season, i love winter because of how beautiful it is, and i run unbearably hot most of the time so it's nice to just go outside in the snow and have a comfortable body temperature for once. i also feel like the cold is deeply clensing, i feel Clean when i go outside and breathe in a big lungful of freezing air, and i miss being able to do that when it's warm. but my depression gets so unbelievably bad during the winter that it kind of almost outweighs all of that. i feel like i can't do anything, and i waste all my days doing nothing. i feel like i should be hibernating or something lol

um i was talking about my day... i basically just did class work all day, it was kind of boring. but i also messaged back and forth with a dear friend of mine all day which was nice. it's so sad that i don't get to see my friends in person much. even my IRL friends mostly live in other cities. i have a few college friends, but a lot of them seem to have made it their lifes work to misgender me or talk constantly about how transgender i am so it can be tiring to be around them, no matter how much i like hanging out with them. i guess i should be more patient since they're a bunch of cishet dudes and probably haven't met a lot of guys like me, but it's still disheartening. i put a lot of effort into being more masculine, and my stupid voice seems to ruin it all. it's honestly really caused me to lose confidence in myself this past year, which totally sucks. i don't know if this is too personal to post about... i'm generally a private person in my regular life though and i don't typically feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing, even to my closest friends, so maybe it would be good for me to talk about this stuff, even if it is into the void.

that's about all i did today, and it's past my bedtime as i'm writing this. i try to go to bed at 11:00PM every night because i'm an old man in the body of a young person. but i've kind of been falling off lately. you stay up late one night and then it just keeps getting worse and worse as the nights go on. does this happen to other people as well? i went to sleep at 2:00AM the other day when i had to wake up at 8:00AM, i'm used to getting my full eight hours, so that sucked lol. i used to stay up till 3:00AM and wake up at 8:00AM pretty much every day in high school, and sometimes i'd stay up till 3:00AM and wake up at 4:00AM. i don't know how i did it. i know why i did it, which was because i was like fifteen and had a crush on someone in a totally different timezone lol. i kind of miss when i was like that. i don't think i'm really capable of romantic attraction anymore, but i remember the wealth of emotion it created still. i'm probably better off like this in the long run though, and without a partner or a crush i have more time to play video games which is nice. i should sign off now i guess. sleep well yall :]

PS i guess i'm not sleeping, i live in a university dorm, and for some reason they've decided to test the alarm announcement system at 11:22PM. i love this place.